It Sucks To be Me

He is getting sicker and sicker and with that comes no empathy from him for me.  I lost a big contract that I was hoping for today and you know what his reaction was?  It sucked.  It was "don't be upset, you will make me upset.  I can not deal with your depression.  You are killing me.  You will land me in the hospital.  Husband killer."

I lost my last parent in the fall, my husband is a mess and my life is in upheaval because I do not know if I can support us without this contract.  The economy and  healthcare costs have destroyed our security.  But I am not allowed to feel anything about it.   His lack of earning ability and his neediness have harmed us too.

He refuses to give himself insulin still and is basically more and more disabled.  He is in constant pain and refuses medication.  Yet he tells me that I am the cause of his problems.

All I can do is shoulder on.  It is all up to me. My profession is overcrowded and ageism does not help.

Being married to him now is so very different and so hard to cope with.  It is like being married to a 80 year old invalid.   I want my old life and husband back.  My life I am fighting for.  my husband will never be the same.

Sick, Sick, Sick

His A1C is better but his general health is so much worse.  he is in constant pain and distress from his stomach.  Thank goodness we now have a house and I have a bathroom to myself.  His is disgusting no matter how often I clean it when he finnishes using it.  More doctors' visits and more tests coming up for the new year.  new GI put him on a strict diet which he refuses to follow.  Such denial and if I say something, he gets angry or blames me for his food choices.  I refuse to be the food police.

I keep working and working.  I have applied for a huge contract in my profession and if I get it, hopefully  my income will return to something more like it was before his health and my wealth  plummeted.  

No longer will I be the target of his rage.  i drew a line in the sand and if he wants me to continue to take care of him and support him, he must have some respect.  I will walk and he knows it if he abuses me. 

Update

H has been fairly stable of late.  New endo raised his units of insulin and that has helped.  He still needs the surgery which was postponed after he had pneumonia until after the holidays.

We are in our new home and I am loving it.  I have my own bathroom!!!! There is plenty of room for me to get away from his "sickroom".  

the rages are fewer and less intense.  i think that is related to better control of his blood glucose levels.  However, his general health declines slowly.  He is tired and acts old. 

I am back to work full time and glad to be so.  I feel like i have rejoined the living. 

to my sisters, keep up the good fight and spare yourselves from the abyss that disease can cause us to fall in.

Fantasy Land

I am really stressed today.  We are about to move out of this damn place and into a house!  H has decreed that he is too "ill" to help.  I am doing it all with the help of the contractors who are finishing some work to our new home.  I had a painful dental proceedure yesterday and am on strong antibiotics.  I work all day after the dental visit, worked all day today (someone has to support me)  and am packing.

He took to the bed in the only bedroom and you know how bad the only bathroom is.  Yuck.

As of the weekend, three bedrooms and two baths. Yeah. 

Meanwhile, I am beat and to tell the truth, I wish I had a "normal" husband.  He is criticising me and telling me what to do while he does nothing.  I told him so.  Do you ever dream of what it would be like to have a healthy husband.  Mine has been sick for so long, I forget what it is like. 

I lost the last of my parents 2 months ago and now I am moving.  I have very little left thanks to h and the parent's health care costs depleting so much and costing me so much in lack of income and payment for care.  No pension, no disablity insurance, no life insurance, just bills and more bills but I am clawing back.  I need something for me.  It is about time.

More Medical Issues

A doctor this morning though h had a "slight case of congestive heart failure"!!!! I was in another state on business.  Needless to say H panicked and wanted me to call multiple doctors including his cardiologist who saw him earlier this week and  found no such thing.  I refused.  Do it yourself I said.  The blood work was coming back this pm and H decided to wait for it. (Because I refused to be his errand girl?)  The results came back fine.  The questioning doctor called him just after noon and told him so. H was still off the wall. 

He wanted me to call his cardiologist and his pcp  to ask again.  I refused telling him he not to look for trouble since the scare was over.  H was furious and called himself.

A lot of stress today, but I stood firm and will not allow myself to get pushed around.

Calm Waters

After multiple tests, pneumonia, a hospital stay and 3 specialist appointments after the hospitalization, two more specialists' appointments are coming up this week.  H feels better and actually slept through the night last night for the first time for many, many months.  A benign tumor was located on his parathyroid and a decision about surgery will be made soon. 

Several months ago, one of the doctors referred to H as being a very sick man.  I had not even thought of that until she said it.  I think I was in denial which continued for a while after her description of H.  Now I have accepted it. I am now in the position of being married to a man who is chronically ill.  

Back Home

H is finally back home.  He looks and feels a lot better but is still quite weak.  Tomorrow he has  a specialist's appointment and another on Friday.  I can not go tomorrow since I have to be at work.  Friday's I may be able to make.  I like the idea that I am not chained to him every time he has a medical appointment.  Work for me is the great liberator.  We need income, I have to work, and therefore I can not be at every last appointment.  That sure works for me. 

Pneumonia

H is now hospitalized with pneumonia.  He developed violent chills last night after spending hours yesterday having a cat scan.  He was admitted in the early morning hours after I drove him back to the hospital.  He is on iv antibiotics.  I got back home at 2 am.   Did you know that people with diabetes get  pneumonia more often than the general population?  Poor glucose control increases the risk as does longer duration of diabetes?  Just another complication of this disease.

Windowless Waiting Rooms

I went with H yesterday and spent 4 hours sitting in a windowless waiting room with no phone and no wifi connections.  I hate those windowless waiting rooms.  They can be suffocating.  Add to  it the lack of connections to able to get work done and it becomes even more wasted time.  I could have spent the morning at the Louvre and seen as much of him as I did sitting in that room.  I did go outside and sat on a wall and did my work.  This particular hospital, while part of a major medical school complex. has no concern for waiting families.  Another one, around the corner, is far more caring for families.  He goes there too so I know.  I could write the Michelin guide for hospitals in my city. 

Next week, he has a cat scan scheduled and I am trying to opt out from going to that one and sitting around for hours in another windowless room. 

H meanwhile is sluggish and lethargic but not raging.  The med change has helped.  I find that if I am not dealing with him and his problems constantly as in all day every day, it affords me the time to rebuild my life.  Notice I said my life, not his.  He is unfortunately consigned to the old before their time, sick or as his doctor said "your husband is a very sick man" category.  I will take care of him and he can come along for the rebuilding ride, but ultimately it is all up to me to reclaim my life.  I will not, however, sacrifice my being to his illness.  simple as that

Going Nuclear

Tomorrow is the day hubby goes nuclear.  That is, he is about to be tested by nuclear medicine.  Needless to say he is nervous. Can not say that I blame him.  We are  told that he will be glowing in the dark for four hours.

I will bring a lot of work with me so that, at least, I can put the time to productive use.  I am back to work full time and loving it.  I went to the next state  to the south where we have income property today in order to get it back in shape, hopefully rented and hopefully giving us some income.  I have 3 vacant apartments which can if and when rented mean a lot better balance sheet.

The home we are moving to is ours and a contractor is preparing it for our Nov.. 1 move in date.  I can hardly wait.   Just need to get thru tomorrow and then back to getting out of this abyss.

Still More Tests

The ultra sound found an abnormality in his parathyroid.  He freaked.  I was at a seminar when he had the ultrasound.  He was not pleased that I was not there.  Too bad.  Scan scheduled for next week.  Four hours long.  I would love to dodge it, but no such luck it seems.  He is terrified.  I just want to get this over and the sooner the better.  I need to work and move.  He is sick, has been sick for years and unfortunately will never be young and well again.  The surgery may help some, but will never be the complete fix for all that ails him.

Sad as it is to say, after all these years, my feelings have changed and I am determined not to be sucked into his world.  I have planned my escape and it is working.  Keep your fingers crossed for me, please.

More Tests

H is scheduled for more tests Thursday and friday this week before seeing the surgeon.  I have a mandatory seminar for my professional license renewal those days so he will be going by himself.  I am looking forward to going to the seminar and having some me time away from his constant health care problems.  I have rejoined the working world and we a moving in 6 weeks away from this elderly housing.  I have rejoined the working adult world and left the elderly invalid world of hubby to him.

Surgery in the Future

The 2nd endo called today to have H schedule yet more tests before probable  surgery in the next month or two.  H needs scan and ultrasound on parathyroid.  The adjustment of meds has helped and we are told this parathyroid can affect adversely every system in a diabetic,s body.  Here is hoping that if he does need the surgery it will help H a lot.

Hope Shines Eternal

I have found that H medical situation is being dealt with by 2 great endos who seem to have pinpointed the problems and responded.  H is calmer with the change in medication but his stomach remains a major issue.  Parathyroid slows the progression of food thru the body and interferes with it moving downward.  We are awaiting today's results and will know better what will happen next and when once we get them.  Meanwhile, the doctors are on top of his situation calling daily or even more often and ordering more testing based on results

Meanwhile, I am back to work  in my own office full time and self employed .  I am generating income and looking to the future.  The plan is to buy a house, any house, once this lease expires.  I want out of this elderly housing.  It was his idea to sell our home , not mine.  He was one month old enough to qualify when we moved in.  I am too young by several years.  Not only do I hate it, but we pay market rates for the privilege of living here. I have taken my life back and intend to return to a normal life.  He can be old before his time.  I am not.

I Spoke too Soon

H is getting sicker again.  His endo called today telling him his parathyroid is out of kilter and he will need surgery.  H freaked.  Rage  returned and now the peace is broken.  H bowel issues are starting again yuck.

Update

H continues to do better but had a set back today.  His hiatal hernia is causing him distress and the gastroparesis has also kicked up a bit.  Yet all in all, he seems to be doing better.  I am keeping my fingers crossed.

Our living situation still rots and is getting worse.  I am looking for a job but do not get reponses.  I think I will omit my degrees from the next application I fill out.

He Is Doing Much Better

the pharmacist and the doctors have managed to nmake some very big chages for H.  he is doing much better.  Thank God.  His visit to endo went well and the gastro was also pleased.  he has lost weight and his A1C improved but the endo increased his insulin since he still has had too many highs.  That seems to have helped even more. 

H wants to go out and do things now.  That is fine with me.   We had a fun day with our kids, their spouses and our grand baby.

i just hope and pray this lasts.

A Little Bit of Hope

He has been calmer, happier and in less pain.  He still is sleeping a lot.  He goes back to the endo on  Wed.  I see an improvement.  Things are not as bad as they were, but he is still far from "normal" whatever "normal" is.  I seem to forget since that was so long ago.  Or, is this the new "normal"?

I Think I am on to Something

I had been noticing that H behavior fluctuated with the meds he is taking as they were being changed.  I am friendly with our druggist and asked him to review H's meds and told him what was going on.  He spotted that one med was a huge dose and suggested halving it.  Another was being taken at the wrong time of day.  We called H's doctor who happened to be on call today and got the ok.  H is less zonked, says he feels better stomach wise, seems calmer and was actually friendly today.  I am waiting with bated breath to see if this continues.  Maybe it is worth a trip to the local pharmacy to check this sort of thing out.

Nothing Makes Him Happy, Anything Can Set Him Off

I can not remember an entire day that he has been happy, not one.  He is upset, angry or worse still raging about something every day.  What a miserable way to live.  If I break down and cry, he does not comfort me, he rages at me to stop crying.  My situation just get more unhappy.

Today saw some financial set backs.  What else is new?  It is almost a  daily occurrence around here.  He had the nerve to call me a loser.  I simply agreed and said that since I am such a loser, he must be a worst one since he has cost us so much and when  was the last time he earned a cent.  He has been nagging me and pushing me to earn more.  He earns nothing.  He is doing somewhat better with his stomach problems but he still lies in bed for hours.  He is there now.

I would advise younger wives to get out asap if they see what my life has become.  Some days I day dream about what it would be like on my own.  Would it be better or worse?  Would I lose more by having to maintain him and me separately.  Can i earn enough to pull it off while I am still losing so much money each month?

Negativity

I am finding H more and more negative and panicky.  For example, I am trying to rent one of our apartments.  It has been listed 2 days and I have gotten a number of responses.  he believes we will never rent it.  H fears everything, highways, bridges, staying at our vacation home alone without other family members, going broke (despite the fact he does not work and will not try).  Everything is an immediate crisis and I must drop everything to do what he wants instantly. 

He constantly demands control of the tv in the living room.  He storms off to the bedroom if he does not approve what I am watching.  Being with him 24/7 now is torture.  His moods and rages set the pace.  I am self employed and have recently had to give up my office due to the economy and hate being home.  If I go somewhere H demands to go too.   I am looking for work in my field, any field with not much luck given the economy and our location.

His obsession with the dog continues.  The dog is allowed to do what he wants.  If I attempt to manage the dog such as getting him off of the sofa, H has a fit.  He is kinder to the dog than to me.  I am left to clean up after the dog who he will not allow me to crate train.

H has constant demands and gives many orders, yet he does nothing to contribute.  Insulin and medication last week cost over $500  from my earnings, yet his only response was he could do without them. 

Caught in the Middle

I got a call yesterday from my Mom's assisted living that they were shipping her to the hospital with several problems and that she had gone down hill fast the last couple of days.  H went bonkers that I might leave for the hospital prior to giving him his dinner and shot.  I gave them to him and he went to bed at about 6:30.  He went crazy that I was going to the hospital.  I went despite him.  I tipped of the staff about what I had going on at home and left the hospital  in time for his "bedtime" shot or should I say later night shot.  What a way to live caught in the middle,  Not only do I get no support or comfort from him, his behavior just makes things more stressful and harder for me.

Glutony

I agreed to go out for lunch with him.  We went to a fish restaurant.  I figured nice healthy meal.  Was I ever wrong!!!!! He pigged out on fried fish and chips, enough to feed the entire third fleet, buckets of ketchup.  He went home rushing to the bathroom in agony.  After a period of about a half hour, he came out and ate string cheese and followed that with pistachio nuts.

I quit.  he thinks he might as well eat anything he wants since his life he feels is ruined and he might as well enjoy himself.  Go fight that logic.

The Facts of Life

As i see it, the following are the facts of life for the wife of a non compliant diabetic:

1.  It is not going to get better. It is only going to get worse.
 2. he is going to get sicker.
  3.  He will be able to do less and less
4.He is not going to wake up one morning and be "nice".
5.   He will never be what he used to be
6.  He will take and not give.
7.  Your relationship with him will evolve from wife to care giver,\ You can not recall the last time you were intimate with him.
8.  This can go on for years.
9.  You may very well die first from stress related illness caused by care giving..
10.  This illness may impoverish you.
11.  You will be subject to possible verbal abuse from his diabetic rages
12. You will lose most not all of your social life.
13. Your world will diminish to the point where you may be trapped at home with no escape.
14.  He will be so self involved that he will just ignore your desires or rage at them.
15.  You may find your home a hostile environment.  I do.  You may lose the home you love.  I did.
16.  Your livilihood and your career may be adversely affected.  Mine was.

I wish I had done something years ago when I was younger, richer and stronger.  I never saw it getting this bad.  As a point in fact.  He raged this morning because I put the dog in his crate so that I did not have to battle the dog to eat my breakfast in peace.   He cares more about the dog than me.





.

Hank the horrible

A friend of mine many years ago had a very abusive husband who would yell at her at the top of his lungs.  We were all quite young then.  He was nasty and obnoxious and he also died quite young.  Funny, I have not thought about him in years, but I happened upon an old add for a type of local soda that he drank by the bucket and it brought to mind Hank the horrible.  He died of a multiple of medical problems and i remember his widow saying that she could not stop him from guzzling the soda.  I think he was probably another non-compliant diabetic.

It seems to be a set formula, uncontrolled diabetics become more verbally abusive the more they refuse to take care of themselves.  I know it.  I have seen it, but it is like trying to single handedly stop an alcoholic from drinking.  It will not happen.  They both need to want to stop.

Welcome to our brave new sister who refused to allow herself or her children watch their father die from lack taking care of himself.   My friend lacked that courage and Hank the Horrible has been dead for many years.  You may very well have saved a life.  Strength and courage to you.

Some like It Hot

H is now like the elderly who are always cold.  He refuses air conditioning.  It is in the 90s today.  This morning he would not let me open the sliders and windows.  I was roasting so I went outside for my breakfast and then took my car and went out with the air on full blast.  He is already in bed.  It is 7:52 pm and I am hiding out downstairs enjoying the ac while he has the windows closed and the ac off upstairs.
 He looks like crap and I can tell he feels the same. None the less, I caught him eating tortilla chips !!!!

I Aint No Saint (therefore I must be nutz)

It is a mad mad world at this house.  Or should I say house of diabetes.  H was up all night again and I had it.  I grabbed all the pills and a large glass of water and hand fed him ALL of his medications as prescribed including the pain pills and said you __fill in the explative__ take them or I am not putting up with this any more.  He keeps wailing he is sick and that I want him to die.  Madness.  I told him he is being suicidal by not following doctors' orders and that I will not put up with that one minute more.  He raged.  I stood firm.  He kept trying to sleep on his side with his head flat.  He kept wheezing and the GERD was really bad.  I kept forcing him to elevate his head.  I have told him that he cleans up his act or I do not care any more.

Good news, I have gotten a significant contract in my field with the money I need.  His craziness is not holding me back.

The day After the Night Before

I was up with him a good portion of last night, but he does seem somewhat better this morning.  He is still fighting the meds and taking less than he should.  All night, he kept complaining that it was "serious" and that he was in pain yet refused the pain meds.  He has taken the antibioticand cough syrup  and the cough seems better.

Back From Medical Wonderland

We went to H's doc at a world renowned teaching hospital.  He has aspirated the contents of his stomach due to the GERD caused by his gastroparesis.  He is on heavy duty antibotics for that and had xrays to see if it has caused pneumonia.  His doc heard a lot in his lungs so is treating it as such.  Multi blood tests today and an endoscopy next week since she thinks he has developed an ulcer.  I spilled the beans and told her just what he has been doing or not doing.  She has increased his meds and he will come back to see her in 2 weeks. 

She has told him that we need to get a new bed and elevate his head with cinder blocks under the bed and this will be forever.  Diabetes now will control our bedroom decor forever too. 

Stomach Misery

He is sick as a dog but still refusing to take all his meds as the doctor has ordered.  He is lying about it but I keep catching him.  He was up all night in pain and woke me at 4:30 am.  He has been in bed since 6:45 pm . Tomorrow is his doctor's appointment and I am going with him and telling the doctor exactly what is going on.  I will not allow this to continue.  He is getting sicker and sicker and will not do anything the right way.  He continues to gorge himself and is getting fatter and fatter. 

His depression is getting worse and he almost seems too sick to rage but continues to be nasty.  I will longer go along with his refusal to care for himself.  I will tell all tomorrow.  I will let the chips lay as they may.

Taking Back My Life

I got sick of him always being sick and called his doctor, the gastroenterologist.  he would not call himself so I did it.  I got around Hippa by leaving a message for the doctor to call him.  First the nurse called and in spite of H not wanting to talk, I put it on speaker and said to the nurse we are both here.  Say hi, H and he did.  I told the nurse all the symptoms and she called in a script for him immediately.  Within a half hour the doctor called back and I pulled the same speaker phone ploy and the doctor called in an additional script.

H ranted and raved.  I went and got the medication at the pharmacy and gave it to him 2 pills in hand like giving it to a child.  H hurt his back and I found out that back problems combined with a handful of Motrin that he insisted on taking does nothing for him but inflame his stomach.  He would not listed and call doctor when it happened 2 weeks ago.  I had enough and called.  Glad I did.  H is not taking all the medication prescribed but he at least has taken enough to get some relief and therefor I have gotten some relief from his illness and him

I took off for the vacation home again this weekend and invited some old friends for the weekend.  It was great.  I had pleasant company, good food and H was forced to take his meds to be able to participate in the weekend activities.

Back in the Game

After a great weekend at our vacation home, I came back to new  professional success earning what I am used to earning and have turned the picture around.  I am back in the game and suddenly there are options.  I have hopefully turned an important corner and H, who was up sick last night in much pain from his gastric problems, is at least calm about finances. 

His Nasty Behavior

He refuses to acknowledge that his illness and lack of work and income are putting us in a bad economic state.  With the stock market declining daily and our properties declining daily in value, he blames me and storms off to bed.  At least it is peaceful for me when he retreats to bed.

I am unable to deal with him.  I ask him if he can do better and he just gets angrier., I am watching  my future security go out the window.  We are in a bad situation that is getting worse.

  I am unable to find full time work in my profession.  If I could, I would in a minute.  I am one of the uncounted unemployed since as always self employed, my inability to generate an income  now  is not considered being unemployed.   I am over educated, under employed and too old for this job market.

How many of us with non-compliant diabetic spouses are in the same position?  With diabetes being a raging epidemic, the have to be many.  You read about the cost of the epidemic on the nation, I see it as personal.  With many diseases, a person either gets better or dies.  With this it goes on for years costing spouses, emotionally, physically and financially.  I need to find work yet my life is twisted around his needs and demands and this damn illness.  The costs grow daily as do my losses.  Yet instead of getting it, his response is nasty behavior.

Would I be better staying or going?  I could wind up having to pay for 2 households with less money.  Conceivably I could have to support both him and me since he is disabled and has not worked in so long. if he were to go into some supportive living situation like his older brother, I would have to pay for that too and that costs a bundle.  I know, I am paying for a parent's care out of diminishing funds.  all I know is that I have had enough of his nasty behavior. 

Prisoner of Diabetes?

    It is hotter than blazes, yet he is cold.  He is becoming one of those elderly people who you hear about who refuse air conditioning in the summer and wear long sleeves and long pants despite it being 90 out.  He says he feels like krap, no wonder considering what he eats. He wants the air conditioning off and closes windows.

    His back hurts, no wonder; he is 50 lbs over weight and refuses to exercise.

    He sits home all day, depressed but refuses to take most of his meds.  He spends hours in the bathroom being sick yet refuses to follow his diet or take all of his meds.  He refuses to go out at night

   He has not worked in 10 years and refuses to make any effort to work or keep his skills up to date and blames me saying I took over.  Truth is, I had to when he stopped working.

    His grooming is sloppy and it is a fight to get him to get a haircut.  He would let his teeth rot and he refuses to go to a podiatrist and has bizarre long toenails.

    He refuses to buy new clothes and shoes.  I get them or he wears the same of thread bare rags.

   Diabetes has imprisoned  him but I will not let it do the same to me.

Way above 210

H's blood sugar was way above 210.  I should be boiling.  He doesn't get why it is high.  He hasn't a clue.  He is beyond denial.  He asked me why it is so high and I pointed out what he ate including caramel corn, ice cream, baked potato, dinner rolls, string cheese, cottage cheese, orange juice and he said that was impossible. 

Needless to say, he felt like crap and took his heavy duty stomach meds and has been out cold and snoring since before 7 pm.  I am embarrassed  to say that I am enjoying some peace and quiet.  I miss the old him, but this sure beats the rage.

Dog Days of Spring

I sometimes think he cares more and worries more about our dog than his own health.  He can obsess over the dog's food, bed, trips to the vet and whether his shots are up to date.  Yet, he does not follow his diet, test often enough and take all his meds?  do you think I should get the vet involved in H's care.  He seems to listen to the vet more than his endocrinologist.

ESCAPE

We had a holiday escape.  I have managed to hang on to a vacation home, clinging to it for dear life and an old boat as well.  I will not let go.  I invited family for the weekend including an infant.  H had no choice but to go with us and he wanted to and actually enjoyed it.  House is huge with no condo association or landlord telling me how to live my life.  The house had been closed for many months and it took a lot of cleaning but it was well worth it.  I had a great time, went out to eat, shopped, went out on the boat and played with the baby.  H and his gastric problems were to  his own bathroom..  I am already planning the next 2 weekends. 

ECONOMIC RAGE

He walked out this morning.  Said he was going to the office.  He has no work, does no work and has refused to work for 10 years.  He walked out because I told him off while he was raging.

He has been on a tirade since he broke his glasses and decided he could not afford new ones. Crazy.  He demanded that I go out to breakfast with him this morning but he kept yelling about the cost.  Crazy.  We turned around and picked up a pastry because it was cheaper. Next he insists I immediately pay for our boat's dockage, Crazy.

I am about to receive a large check for my work and he has decided that I must not take credit alone.  It should be a we earn it scenario instead of it is my money because I earned it and he did not.  I told him it is mine and mine alone.  He flew into a rage.  He tried to dictate how it was being spent and I told him no it is mine and I will decide.

I told him off about what he has cost us including my home and the one from my parents.  I am just so hurt and angry at the losses.  He keeps pushing me to make more money.  Yet he has contributed nothing but problems for so long.  He started screaming that he would be better off without me since I have ruined everything from tenants who will not pay the rent on time to checks that have not come in the mail.

He came home within an hour and demanded a home cooked dinner.  He has been sleeping ever since then.  Over an hour. 

His Depression is Making me depressed

H is clinically depressed. Yet, he will not take his prescribed meds.  I am so sick of living with a sick man who will do nothing to help himself.  He just keeps stuffing himself with everything he should not eat.  I hate the feeling of living with a nasty invalid.

He blames me for every woe in our lives. Yet he has refused to work for more than 10 years.  But he blames me for that.  He says that it is all my fault that he just gave up.  He has made such bad choices and has cost us so dearly.  He says his life is a living hell, but he insists on dragging me into it.  I can not win.  Everything I say or do is wrong.  He is mister gloom and doom.  Nothing is good and nothing makes him happy.

There is only so much that I can stand.  If I get upset, he gets furious at me.  I am not supposed to have any feelings.  I want my old life back.  I want a normal life, my home, my work.  I hate this existence  and everything it stands for.   I am so trapped by his craziness and his needle phobia.  I have tried and tried to get him to address this to no avail.  I now feel he is using it to manipulate me by being passively agressive and saying that he simply will not take his insulin if he has to do it himself.

If there is anyone young, just starting out on this road, run do not walk from this existence. Save your own life and sanity, especially if he is hell bent on his own destruction.

He Doesn't Have a Clue

H today drank Coke, not diet but sugar laden despite the fact he had me go out and buy him diet.  I caught him in the act and he had no response other then, yeah I drank it. He also ate a number of Mounds bars loaded with chocolate, coconut and sugar.  Lunch was tons of pasta and he wanted the same for supper.  he was none to pleased with the turkey I served him.

He continues to gorge himself and eats huge amounts of food.  he goes through pounds of tomatoes, drowns everything in ketchup and eats tons of cheese.  He just doesn't get it.  It is almost like an addiction. 

It has been a fairly quiet weekend, one rage today about a tenant who I am evicting.  I think by not fighting him on the diet front, I have removed some fuel from the fire.

I left over $200 at the pharmacy for his medications yesterday.  He was terribly depressed by that and kept saying he would skip medications.  I kept telling him that was not appropriate and that 6 months from now he would get medicare and we would survive.  Cash flow has been terrible but we still have assets to liquidate if need be.

Food stops the Rage?

This seems strange but I have seen a connection between rage and food.  If he is eating whatever he wants when ever he wants he seems to have less rage.  He has no control over his food intake.  Today it was Coke with sugar.  He asked that I buy one for him this morning while I was out doing errands.  I didn't say a word but deliberately  forgot.  He went out and got one and thought nothing of drinking it.



Today he was upset that there was no clean place setting knike for his lunch.  I forgot to tern on the dishwasher.  yet he refused to use a steak knife and got very anxious when I offered one to him. 

He had a fit over a dental bill and despite being in pain wanted to skip the dentist. I sent him off despite his anger. Let him work it out with the dentist.  I can do nothing about it and told him so.  

Fighting back, credit

The whole credit thing is crazy and I got furious and as a result we now have a new car lease.  We leased an American car for the first time after decades of imports.  The dealer we went to was in an affluent area and understood our situation instead of putting us down. This was after calling the import dealer and explaining our situation and being told that there was  no way.  He actually told us not to even try!!!

One call to this new dealer and we got the lease.  This was a dealer that had  lost its prior luxury American franchise during the economic crisis.  They were lucky to land the franchise for American muscle cars and the 4 wheel drive that I loved in my teens 20s and 30s.  I am back behind the wheel of what I now know was the best brand of car that I ever drove. 

Interesting that the dealership employs boomer misfits (like us) who lost their jobs when prior dealerships folded.  Our salesman was unemployed for 2 years before landing this job.  The sales manager came from another closed dealer as did the business manager. It felt great to be treated like a human being again.

There are so many of us who are being croaked credit wise by medical bills, the lousy economy and corporate arrogance.  It is time to fight back and not give up.

Domperidone

Janssen Pharmaceutical has brought domperidone before the FDA several times in the last two decades, with the most recent effort in the 1990s. Numerous U.S. clinical drug trials have demonstrated its safety and efficacy in dealing with gastroparesis symptoms, but the FDA turned down Janssen's application for domperidone, even though the FDA's division of gastrointestinal drugs had approved domperidone

Feeling and Looking Like Something the Cat Dragged In

Hubby looks like hell today.  Pasty, hair long and everywhere, unshaven and a distinct odor from his breathe even after brushing and mouthwash that tells me he feels like hell.  No wonder after what he has been eating.  Yet, he managed to go out to do several errands and I have a rare precious moment of peace.

I have been up since three when he woke me using the bathroom.  I got up and got him something to drink.  Severe thirst is a way of life for him.  No rage last night.  I think he was so sick that he couldn't if he tried.  he has to go to the bank and is going to one much farther away to use the drive thru rather than have to walk from the parking lot and stand in  line for a teller.  he avoids walking as much as possible now.  he will rage if there is no parking space close to the door of wherever he is going.  he will circle multiple times rather than simply park at any available space and walk to the door.  I am expected to do his walking for him.  i am supposed to get whatever he wants, glass of water, shoes, keys or jacket.  his wish is supposed to be my command.

I am supposed to do it all.

Something new and very strange: He is obsessing that he may have lost some weight.  I do not see it.  He is terrified that losing weight could be a sign of cancer and imminent death.  he seems not to get the fact that he SHOULD lose weight to improve his health and survive.

Pig Out

Made him a healthy supper and what did he do?  He turned it into a base for a pig out adding blue cheese dressing, tons of ketchup, cheese and crackers,several tomatoes, string cheese and 4 pieces of bread and butter.  He rages on so I will no longer try to stop him.  He has now taken more cheese and crackers to bed with him and cans of soda.  He had been in bed from 4pm, got up to stuff himself and promptly back to bed.


He is in pain and the odor from the bathroom came all the way downstairs to the dining room and  kitchen as he was using it and after.  When I pointed out that he needed to leave the fan on he got angrier.  All I can think is that the pig pigged out and the whole place smells like a sty.

The Return of Kahn

I had trouble with 2 tenants yesterday and H did not like the way I handled it.  No rent and trouble evicting them equals one raging diabetic H.  The rage started about 8 am and continued until I colapsed in bed with my clothes on last night.  I just let him rage. 

H seems to get what has happened to our finances and is raging about about that.  What he will not acknowledge is that his diabetes and lack of working for years has brought us to this point. Our adult children are used to having wealthy parents and grandparents.  That no longer exists.  Our quality of life is diminishing rapidly.  Far more money is still going out than coming in and is not purchasing our old standard of life.

I slept until 5 am, woke, showered and he is still in bed. 

Diabetes Now Affects Credit

H's car lease expires in 4 months.  It is time to start thinking about trading.  Went to a dealer and cut a deal for a new car at a much lower payment, or so we thought,  They pulled his credit and now the medical bills are causing it to fall by over a hundred points.  No lease, higher interest payments or pay cash that I do not want to part with. 

We are falling into a hole with no way out.

Poverty here we come.

Everything But the Kitchen Sink

This has been a calm and peaceful weekend.  I even had some fun.  I invited a diabetic friend of over 30 years and her husband over for supper.  She is non compliant too.  We ate dinner and then watch a very old very bad movie which totally cracked everyone up.  It was from the early 40s and so bad that it was good

I tried an experiment this weekend.  I let H eat what ever he wants without out saying a word and without trying to stop him.  He ate and ate all weekend.  Would you believe he ate the following: butter crunch ice cream with sprinkles, Dots, potato chips and dip, string cheese, swiss cheese, .american cheese, cottage cheese, a whole package worth of rice pilaf, half a roast beef, regular soda, orange juice by the 8 oz cup, apple juice, bread, apple pie, chocolate chip cookies, hot dogs and fries, three huge tomatoes and all of  the meals that I served him.

I will fight him no more over food.  If he wants to eat himself to death, I can not stop him.  This is how he eats even if I try to stop him, the only difference is that if I try to stop him, he becomes nasty, rages and still eats what he wants.

I surrender.  I can no longer fight the food battle of the diabetic wars.
 

Am I Better Off or Worse Off Than last Week (Month, Year, Decade)?

Here is an interesting question for all of us sister wives.  Am I better of than last week, month, year,or  decade?

Let's start with decade: 2001- much better, working full time, self employed, large staff, own home- no mortgage, healthy husband, younger and thinner,  investments and income property. 

Last year:  Costs out of sight, H no longer working, income way down, health costs soaring, house gone and in hated condo.  Subject to rages, loveless marriage and more rages.

Last week: bank balance lower, in elderly housing , rent due in a couple of days (have to liquidate more assets not making it .  Rage is a bit better last couple of days.  Less depressed than a couple of days ago since there is some peace.

When did things get bad?  Five years ago marks the beginning of the plunge. H starts to get sicker  Three years ago things start to get really bad and now we have today.  Insulin injections started a year ago and the worst of it really starts and my freedom and peace go.

I should also point out that I am paying for my mother's care since she refused to plan and I can not care for her too 24/7.  Her gifts to my children were  too large and disqualified her from medicaid forever.   They each have paid for homes, I have this mess.
Is there a way to turn the clock back?  Anyone have a time machine?  I could sure use one.

Running Hot

H's latest thing is that he always thinks he has a fever.  yet, he refuses to wear cooler clothes and is often drenched in sweat. He refuses to wear short sleeves.  Makes no sense to me.  Every sneeze to him now seems like imminent pneumonia.  He keeps asking me to feel his forehead to see if he has a fever, over and over.

I wonder if it is his endocrine system being  out of wack,  I will ask his doctor.

Still very little sleep.  I was up for the royal wedding this am without any need for an alarm clock.  He has been up all night again.  He has been some what calmer.  We will see how long that lasts this time.

Another Hard Day's Night

H was up all night with his stomach problems which I assume are all related to the garbage he has been eating non stop.  He just doesn't get the connection.  If he is up, I am up.  He will not leave me alone when he feels sick.

I got up and gave him a drink of diet soda at 2 am.  My night's sleep was over.  My night time work had begun.  He was ill in the bathroom more than once and I had to clean it before I could use it myself.  Once his stomach had calmed down somewhat, I had to get him some light sugar free food to hopefully keep down.

The only good thing about his being so ill was that he not raging and seemed genuinely thankful for my assistance.  How long this will last is unclear.

Where Love Has Gone

Do I still love him or is it just habit?  Our warm, loving marriage no longer exists.  I have gone from loving wife to room mate and care taker.  His nastiness has become a daily occurrence.  Life is stress and turmoil.

He never so much as hugs me, holds me, kisses me or touches me.  He has become so self absorbed that he never thinks of me anymore, it is always his wants and needs that matter to him, not mine.  And those wants and needs serve to limit and trap me.  They are not like those of  a normal human being.  They are all related to his diabetes and his deteriorating condition.  There is no affection for me and no physical relationship left unless you call injecting him a physical relationship.

He does not respond to me kindly if I am sad or unhappy.  Just the opposite, he will fly into a rage.  I now must try to hide my tears to not set him off.  He has been know to scream at me at the top of his lungs that he will divorce me during his rages.  It can be days and days of non stop cruel comments in which he blames me for everything.

I feel like I have lost my self respect dealing with him.  I no longer feel valued or loved.  Yet what am I to do?  Leave a sick husband and now with vastly reduced circumstances and negative income, how can we survive?  The financial situation for us and all the rest of the problems for him (since he can no longer or will not  take care of himself) hinder a future apart.

How much longer can I endure this  marriage?

Baby Sitting

I am now back where I was in high school, baby sitting.  My grandchild needed care today when his parents were at work and the sitter canceled.  So I left at 6 am to baby sit.  It feels great to get away from the house of horrors. 

I took my laptop and will get my work done when the baby sleeps.  I fed him, changed him and he is now asleep next to me.  I am enjoying the peace and quiet.

H called yelling that I had taken his keys.  I calmly told him to look in his jacket  pocket where he had left them yesterday.  I need a photographic memory to keep track of every item he may demand in an instant.  He always loses things and it is always my fault. 

Taking care of an infant is so much easier and more hopeful than taking care of a non compliant diabetic.  Babies cry and fuss but a simple solution is changing and feeding them.  They love to cuddle and respond to love.  There is hope and a future.  They grow and progress. 

Upon reflection, the opposite holds true for the non compliant  diabetic.  They scream and yell and you can not placate them.  The do not grow and progress, they regress.  They return your love and care with rage.  Often, it seems like there is no hope and they regress.  H sure has. 

The Wrath of Kahn

H went into a rage tonight.  All I could think of was the old Star Trek movie The Wrath of Kahn since it was so bizzare, it was from another galaxy.  What set him off?  We have income property that is losing us $$$.  A tenant called saying there was a leak in her apartment.  I am evicting (in court last week) 2 tenants in the building for non payment of rent including the one above her when has been flooding the unit under her every couple of days even after I spent hundreds of dollars on plumbers last month.

H overheard the call and started to rage and rage screaming and yelling and of course blaming me.   I would not bite and he got angrier and louder with the tenant still on the phone.  I told him every thing was under control and that the water had stopped.  I was trying to keep my cool and calm him down at the same time.

He got nastier and said all kinds of nasty things.  He was screaming at the top of his lungs  that  I was mismanaging everything.  I walked out of the room.  He has been in bed mind you since eating supper at 5.  He has eaten tons of carbs today.  He does get out of bed to go to the kitchen to stuff himself with cheese and cracker, sting cheese, and who knows what else.  I do not even try to stop him anymore, since if I try to say something he flies into a rage.  I have noticed that he says the same thing over and over when he rages.  Anything can set him off.  The words are cutting and mean but then he has no memory of what was said or what it was about.  It is always verbal abuse never any threat of physical abuse- that is where I would be gone and he knows it. 

It was my misfortune to be in the the bedroom putting away clean laundry when the phone rang.  Note to self: avoid taking phone calls from now on in his presence. 

I wonder if our new neighbors in this senior complex can hear him. (Another reason I wish I had my house back, lack of space and privacy)  I told him that and he still screams unable to stop or not wanting to stop.  Tiny things become major issues to him and his fears seem to take over and control his entire being.

Another Saturday night for me watching tv and dealing with his craziness.  I'd take off and go to the movies but it is too late and he needed his second shot of insulin.  The inmate is truly running this asylum tonight.

The Future

I get fearful thinking about the future and what it may bring.  My grandmother used to say it is not the things that you worry about that will harm you, it is the things you never worry about that will get you. My fears are many.  First and foremost is what will his health be like as the years go on.  Will I be able to care for him both physically and financially.  If I out live him, as most statistics show, how old will I be if and when that occurs and how will I support myself.

The medicaid folks call this spend down and spending down and down is what is happening to us.  My standard of living has declined greatly as have also my finances.  At the rate we are going, unless I hit the lottery (more likely to get hit on the head by a meteoroid)  we will be broke in 10 years or less.  Savings accounts earn nothing, gas prices are outrageous and everything from food to clothes keeps going up.  I wonder if I should deliberately impoverish us now and make transfers considering the 5 year look back so that if he needs nursing home care, we will not lose everything.

I think of where I will be should I survive him  We now live in senior housing due to his lack of working and his medical condition.  We pay market rates since we are considered "affluent".  How I miss my own home!!!  I do not feel like a "senior" needing senior housing.  I am too young for this.   I want to live like a "normal" adult not a "senior" .  I prefer doing the things I have always done, working, living not as an elderly person.  This is actually a different type of prison.  I want the freedom to not be considered elderly like him.

The home I own is 100 miles from here away from family and friends.  If something were to happen and he no longer lived here such as requiring care would I leave and move to my house?  I do not know.  I just desperately want my old house here back.  I can no longer afford to buy it back or a similar home or even a lesser home back.  That is thanks to the diabetes and lack of income.
 

What kind of a mess am I looking forward to in the future thanks to diabetes?

Bathroom Warfare

I am a decorated veteran of the bathroom wars.  I wage battle every day.  Today, I got a purple heart.  As I was scrubbing the tub today, so that I could use it after him, I stubbed my big toe and split the nail down the middle.  This was with sneakers and socks on no less.  It hurt like  a son of a gun and bled too.  What did I do?  I cussed a bit and than taped it up. 

I feel like the bathroom quartermaster.  I must stock huge amounts of toilet paper and cleaning supplies. I keep a supply of plungers too just in case. 

I am a sucker for anything new in cleaning products to cut through the mess.  Any robotic toilet bowl cleaner, no matter what the price, would be snatched up by me. Even a toilet brush grosses me out.   I am thinking of inventing one and selling it to remake my fortune and pay for the cost of diabetes.  Any one interest in buying one?

Old Before His Time

I am married to an old man now thanks to his diabetes.  He looks old and he acts old.  He is tired all the time, sleeps on and off 24 hours a day, takes dozens of pills a day, needs insulin and blood tests, He is always cold and wants the windows closed and the heat pushed way up high.  He no longer skis, plays golf, sails or goes out at night.  He can not work.  He can not do anything by himself any more.  He goes to bed after supper.  He wants me to take care of him 24/7.

He has constant medical appointments and tests and he wants me there at all of them.  He makes old people noises with his gastric, sleep and respiratory problems.  He smells old despite daily showers.  He walks like an old man with a shuffling gate.

He acts like he is in his 80s even though he is in his early  sixties.  When I think of my dad at that age, he was working and enjoying life.  My grandfather worked full time until almost 90.

One frightening thing happened this week, his seven year oldersibling was placed, by a spouse of many years who could no longer cope,  in a nursing home due to  Parkinson's and diabetes.   Is this what I have to look forward too?

Another Long Night

H was up all night.  He was focused on his throat.  he has had thyroid problems for years, Hashimotto's, and swears that he knows when it is out of kilter.  He has not received the results of his latest blood work so I told him to call the doctor.  He got panicky and refused.  he deals with things now by sticking his head in the sand.

I got up at 4 and went into a filthy bathroom.  Double yuck.  I was scrubbing away as usual.  I think I ought to buy stock in Chlorox !!!   He kept escalating about his thyroid.  Then he started to rage that I was not "concerned enough "about his health.  Right.  Anyone have any sure fire ways to deal with a diabetic's rage?  I figure he was low given the hour, so I tried asking him to check his blood. (He will not do that alone).  It provoked more rage. 


I have to get some work done today.  I need to earn some money.  Worrying about his thyroid at 4 am is not going to accomplish that.

On top  of that my mother had a melt down at the home today.  That involved three crazy calls from her, a call from me to the staff and then a call back from the nurse at the home.  Just what I need, more stress and before seven in the morning too.

Why I Stay

I guess you could say I am not a quitter. The old "till death do us part " thing.  I just hope this doesn't kill me first.

In all seriousness, we have been together so long and through so much, that when the going get rough, I am not about to run.  We have spent so many good years together and experienced great happiness.  We have been together through very bad times too with many losses.  We have buried those near and dear to us too including 3 parents, 5 grandparents and many aunts and uncles.  We have had other medical crisis of our own and our children.  We have always been there for each other.  That has always been our unspoken vow.  I am not about to break that bond now.

Yet I find that I need to protect me now and set some limits of what I will and will not do.

Food police

H had a huge meal today with our sons, their families and a couple of other relatives.  It was a pot luck with some really great food.  He stuffed himself with meat, potatoes, soup, 4 pieces of candy and flourless chocolate cake.  I could not stop him.  I gave up trying.  He seemed happy today for once.  I refused to be the food police.  I really could not have stopped him even if I tried.  He was so intent on eating everything in sight, I would have had to tackle him to stop him and I wasn't about to do that.

My cast iron stomach

One thing they never tell you at the world famous diabetic hospital is the gross stuff you have to learn to endure.  As a while of a sick diabetic you learn to cope with the following and still manage to get something to eat and keep it down: 1) rotten teeth and multiple extractions at once as his diabetes affects his dental health; 2) bowel problems and the smells and sights related to them; 3) wounds that are very slow to heal 4);  body odors associated with diabetes; 5) vomit and the sounds of retching;  6) sticking needles into him and drawing blood;  7) watching and seeing him regurgitate at the table;  8) hearing his wheezing and choking cough; 9) constant mucus that he spits out; 10) dirty kleenex in every basket in the house; watching his physical appearance deteriorate and deteriorate.  Then there are all the invasive tests that he under goes and the new trend to let the spouse sit with the patient as long as possible before the test and including during certain procedures.

I spend hours each day just cleaning.  Cleaning up from him.  The bathroom after almost each time he uses it. He uses it frequently and for long periods of time.  The table after he has a fit of coughing while eating.  I now mostly eat by myself in the living room and serve him at the table,  We do not go out with friends any more.  It is too gross to subject them. 

On the drawn patrol

Hey, Where is Errol Flynn when you need him?  Not on Turner Classic movies this am.  It is 4:46 am.  H can not sleep so that I am up.  He is thirsty and WANTS ME TO GET HIM A DRINK.  It is easier to get it then to listen to him. 

I do not want to wake up the dog.   Then I will have to take him out.  He wants a dog.  I have to take care of the dog.  He can not or will not.  I am glad to have a dog.  He is gentle and affectionate.  Good company night after night when I sit alone watching tv while h is in bed.

H is now is in the midst of reflux.  His stomach rules our life.  We only have one bathroom now since we have been forced to sell a condo he wanted and I knew was bad for us after he demanded we sell our home.  I lucked out and got us senior housing thanks to his being in his early 60s.  Try sharing a bathroom with an individual with bowel problems.  Yuck!!! I've cornered the bleach market. 

I am still waiting for dawn to break.

Voodo Economics

Being the wife of a diabetic is very expensive.  They do not tell you about the hidden and huge costs.  You learn it as you go along.  He works less and less.  Your income drops.  there are multiple medical appointments and co payments.  At least a hundred dollars this month.  There is the deductable, several thousand dollars.  The medications and testing supplies cost at least  $500- 600 a month.  Health insurance is a fortune over a thousand a month and you can not shop for something cheaper  with his pre existing condition.

Your own earning capacity drops as he eats up more and more of your time caring for him especially with his complications and now his mental health issues.

He is spending more and more time in bed and becoming less mobil.  Adapting to that is costly.  Selling a home with stairs in this market is going to lose money for you especially if you bought it to downsize becasue he wanted to and you fought against it and lost to his rage.

Healthy food costs more.  You try to serve healthy meals but he demands far more and you now buy both healthy and unhealthy.  He goes to the market with you when he is terrified of being left alone and needing a shot when you are not there.

He does stupid costly things like buying too large a gas guzzler car and you give in because he rages.  The insurance and taxes are higher because the vehicle costs more.

You can not take a second job at night because he will no longer go out at night and that fear and terror translates to you going out at night.

You wind up sick and pay for that due to the stress of your situation.  A cold becomes worse because you are up all night while he is sick.  He doesn't sleep and gets bad colds.  You catch them.  He is terrified of being alone in bed and instists that you stay with him and check him all night, every night. Now the co payments for you and the pharmacy bill.  Almost $250 for me last week.

He demands, he rages, you give in and it costs.  He puts terrible pressure on you to earn more money but is crazy when he suggests spending less on his medications but spending it on un-needed things like watches and more watches.  You have dabbled in the stock market your whole adult life and now that is your income plus you are cashing in your accounts hoping to survive.

He becomes hooked on a video game and rages if you interrupt him while he is playing day after day.  He wastes time and spends money on video games.

You cut corners to pay for the added costs and you find yourself spending nothing on clothing.  You spend nothing on cosmetics any more.  You buy the cheap shampoo.  You do without many things you need.  New towels and sheets are a thing of the past.  You stop relacing old or broken items.  Who needs a mixer anyway?

Since your income has gone down so much. you can not afford your office.  You go to a virtual office to save money.  You no longer have any staff.  You are fighting to keep your head above water.  You want to work, you desperately want to, but there is no work.  People know he is sick just by looking at him and no longer want you.  He was you partner at work, self employed, now you have very little or no future at work and no pension or disability.  He has been sick since he was in his early 20s, not with diabetes but other things and not insurable.  Not for life insurance either.  Everything you've built up over a life time of work is going.

These are the voodoo economics of diabetes.

It Ain't Easy

I have been married to him for almost 40 years.  The last 10 have become hell on earth thanks to diabetese and its complications.  He has gastroparesis which is one of the worst.  He is in constant pain, has reflux that wakes him each night, and multiple other problems.

He is needle phobic trapping me with having to be there to inject him and taking away what freedom I had.  He has depression and anxiety.  I get blamed for everything.

Health care costs are killing us.  He is too young for medicare so we pay through the nose.  over a thousand dollars a month for health insurance.  Co payments for doctors' appointments at least $100  per month plus 500- 600 per month for his pharmacy bills which are only partially covered. 

Everything falls on me as he is less and less able to cope.  He can not even re=order his own meds on time.  I find myself becoming the food police.  He demands things that are bad for him and rages when I refuse to give them to him.  I find myself giving in more and more, soda with sugar, pastries and cake, tons of carbs, pasta.  He does not exercise.

He rages behind the wheel.  I am damned if I drive and damned if I do not.  he rages either way.  He refuses to take many of his meds or takes way too little of them.  He them feels sicker, takes them again and then stops as he starts to feel somewhat better.

He will not go out at night.  Last night, he needed a refill on a prescription and would not allow me to go out and leave him to get it.  He is terrified of being alone at night.  He is terrified of getting sicker but will not comply.

I have spent my whole life since age 17 with him. I have gone from loving wife to distraught caregiver.  The future terrrifies me since he is getting progressively sicker and our financial situation keeps getting worse and worse.  My earning ability has dropped drastically as his demand for care and his crazy behavior has increased.