It Sucks To be Me

He is getting sicker and sicker and with that comes no empathy from him for me.  I lost a big contract that I was hoping for today and you know what his reaction was?  It sucked.  It was "don't be upset, you will make me upset.  I can not deal with your depression.  You are killing me.  You will land me in the hospital.  Husband killer."

I lost my last parent in the fall, my husband is a mess and my life is in upheaval because I do not know if I can support us without this contract.  The economy and  healthcare costs have destroyed our security.  But I am not allowed to feel anything about it.   His lack of earning ability and his neediness have harmed us too.

He refuses to give himself insulin still and is basically more and more disabled.  He is in constant pain and refuses medication.  Yet he tells me that I am the cause of his problems.

All I can do is shoulder on.  It is all up to me. My profession is overcrowded and ageism does not help.

Being married to him now is so very different and so hard to cope with.  It is like being married to a 80 year old invalid.   I want my old life and husband back.  My life I am fighting for.  my husband will never be the same.

Sick, Sick, Sick

His A1C is better but his general health is so much worse.  he is in constant pain and distress from his stomach.  Thank goodness we now have a house and I have a bathroom to myself.  His is disgusting no matter how often I clean it when he finnishes using it.  More doctors' visits and more tests coming up for the new year.  new GI put him on a strict diet which he refuses to follow.  Such denial and if I say something, he gets angry or blames me for his food choices.  I refuse to be the food police.

I keep working and working.  I have applied for a huge contract in my profession and if I get it, hopefully  my income will return to something more like it was before his health and my wealth  plummeted.  

No longer will I be the target of his rage.  i drew a line in the sand and if he wants me to continue to take care of him and support him, he must have some respect.  I will walk and he knows it if he abuses me.