Do I still love him or is it just habit? Our warm, loving marriage no longer exists. I have gone from loving wife to room mate and care taker. His nastiness has become a daily occurrence. Life is stress and turmoil.
He never so much as hugs me, holds me, kisses me or touches me. He has become so self absorbed that he never thinks of me anymore, it is always his wants and needs that matter to him, not mine. And those wants and needs serve to limit and trap me. They are not like those of a normal human being. They are all related to his diabetes and his deteriorating condition. There is no affection for me and no physical relationship left unless you call injecting him a physical relationship.
He does not respond to me kindly if I am sad or unhappy. Just the opposite, he will fly into a rage. I now must try to hide my tears to not set him off. He has been know to scream at me at the top of his lungs that he will divorce me during his rages. It can be days and days of non stop cruel comments in which he blames me for everything.
I feel like I have lost my self respect dealing with him. I no longer feel valued or loved. Yet what am I to do? Leave a sick husband and now with vastly reduced circumstances and negative income, how can we survive? The financial situation for us and all the rest of the problems for him (since he can no longer or will not take care of himself) hinder a future apart.
How much longer can I endure this marriage?
If you are not seeing a counselor, I strongly recommend it
ReplyDeletemany of us have them -- they come in different "flavors"
DW's is probably her sister
mine is my accupuncture specialist
in the past I have talked with a licensed social worker/counselor
its really a good idea
our anger is totally legitimate
our loss is severe
we have suffered the death of a relationship
--the death of a partner - but he hasn't left
it is a very difficult path to walk
having someone to talk to is very important for YOU!!!
Maybe try it!
I think counseling has brought me to where I am now. Without it,I would have blindly accepted what has happened to us and just kept on the same path without questioning anything. The subject of death of the relationship with him still being very much alive has been a subject of discussion. The relationship[ is gone, the problems remain and there is no closure.
ReplyDeleteThe living in limbo is so hard. Not being able to plan for a future and not being able to move on is so very hard. What is there to look forward to ? Will it be more of the same or worse problems? More likely the problems will get worse and worse with no end in sight. Do you draw some sort of line in the sand and and say if it gets to point x I leave? Or like my in laws, if it gets to point x is it a nursing home? For them it was almost a decade more of this. Can I last that long?
Sar,
ReplyDeleteSo sorry that things are so hard. I can relate to a lot of what you are saying. I REALLY MISS the man I fell in love with, yet I am not willing to leave the chronically ill man he has become.
Take time to be good to yourself through all this craziness; it really does help, although probably not enough . . .
Take care,
Lilly