Friday, July 6, 2012


I am so ruined financially by his lack of earning capacity and his cognitive defects.  he just doesn't get it and refuses to talk about anything that he doesn't want to hear.  his stomach problems have improved significantly since he started taking the new medication but other problems persist.

He has no earning capacity and I find I have less and less doue to overcrowding in my field and age discrimination.

He thinks he can give anything he wants to our two adult children and doesn't get that we can no longer afford to do that.  he refuses to live in our home and insists on staying with one of our kids who uses it to gee textra income.  i am trapped since he still refuses to give himself his shots and no one else will.  I would leave, but I do not have enough income and our major financial woes leave us on the verge of filing bankruptcy.  Our attorney tells us to wait for the next major financial hit and then do it.  I go from being wealthy and secure to being on the verge of bankruptcy with no hope of getting even a quarter of what we had back.

He still has the rages but not as often.  he has become more passive aggresive with no compassion or empathy.  Me, I am just hanging in there waiting to file for bankruptcy and hoping to save the house

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Miracle Drug

H has terrible gastroparesis.  He has transferred from one teaching hospital to another and switched gi .  He was prescribed a new medication carafate in a liquid form and it seems to be doing the trick.  Very expensive drug, over 100 after insurance payment due to its tier but it seems to be worth its weight in gold.  The doctor who suggested it is a post doctoral fellow under the supervision of h's new gi who is a professor at an Ivy League Medical School.  The pill form is not as good.  This liquid coats the esophagus.  His medications were also changed and a number eliminated.  He seems to be doing better.  A1C have been in the very low 7s.

I am hoping against hope that this will help with his other issues.  I clearly see a decline in his metal ability.  and of course he still can not work and has no earning capacit.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

The Numbers game

His A1C was 7.4 despite a 320 at the doctor's office after a glutton's mega carb breakfast.  I refuse to be the food police despite huge lectures by his gastro and a demand by her for a food log whicch her refuses to keep and I refuse to do for him.

He is in constant pain and I truly feel bad about it.  yet, he will not help himself through diet and exercise.  I doo all the driving.  he is too sick.  He gets furious if I park too far away from somewhere.

He has spent the entire weekend lying down.  It is now like being married to a 90 year old rather than an 80 year old.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Diabetic Madness

I feel like he is losing his mind.  He seems to have some cognitive defects now that are becoming more evident.  He has a doctorate but can not work or function normally.  He refuses or is unable to do simple tasks like some simple book keeping.  He is nasty and his anger is directed at me.  He blames me for everything.
Anything that goes wrong he says is my fault.  he demands that I listen to him endlessly when all he does is repeat and repeat himself.  I on the other hand am supposed to say nothing about how unhappy this situation has made me.  I can not mourn the loss of so much.  If I say anything he complains that i am depressed and tries to silence me by raging.  I will not longer put up with this and have told him so. and the life of living with an invalid who is old before his time.

He does not work, has earned nothing in years and has cost us so much.  To be honest, I regret being stuck where I am now with no  hope in sight of financial recovery.  On top of that, there is the day to day of dealing with his nasty self,  living with a invalid who is so dependent and takes the joy out of life.  he is like someone in their 80s frail and getting sicker.  Multiple doctors' visits with no good outcome.  He is in pain yet refuses the medication.  He will not follow his diet or lose weight yet insists he does and has.  What denial.  I feel badly that he is suffering.  he needs relief.  So do I, I need peace and something back from this relationship other than criticism.  I give - he still refuses to inject himself- he takes and then tells me that I am the cause of all his problems.  That is so sick.

He is frightening to drive with.  I drive.  he now wants me to drive always.  he is is more and more dependent yet tries to control at the same time.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

It Sucks To be Me

He is getting sicker and sicker and with that comes no empathy from him for me.  I lost a big contract that I was hoping for today and you know what his reaction was?  It sucked.  It was "don't be upset, you will make me upset.  I can not deal with your depression.  You are killing me.  You will land me in the hospital.  Husband killer."

I lost my last parent in the fall, my husband is a mess and my life is in upheaval because I do not know if I can support us without this contract.  The economy and  healthcare costs have destroyed our security.  But I am not allowed to feel anything about it.   His lack of earning ability and his neediness have harmed us too.

He refuses to give himself insulin still and is basically more and more disabled.  He is in constant pain and refuses medication.  Yet he tells me that I am the cause of his problems.

All I can do is shoulder on.  It is all up to me. My profession is overcrowded and ageism does not help.

Being married to him now is so very different and so hard to cope with.  It is like being married to a 80 year old invalid.   I want my old life and husband back.  My life I am fighting for.  my husband will never be the same.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Sick, Sick, Sick

His A1C is better but his general health is so much worse.  he is in constant pain and distress from his stomach.  Thank goodness we now have a house and I have a bathroom to myself.  His is disgusting no matter how often I clean it when he finnishes using it.  More doctors' visits and more tests coming up for the new year.  new GI put him on a strict diet which he refuses to follow.  Such denial and if I say something, he gets angry or blames me for his food choices.  I refuse to be the food police.

I keep working and working.  I have applied for a huge contract in my profession and if I get it, hopefully  my income will return to something more like it was before his health and my wealth  plummeted.  

No longer will I be the target of his rage.  i drew a line in the sand and if he wants me to continue to take care of him and support him, he must have some respect.  I will walk and he knows it if he abuses me. 

Monday, November 28, 2011


H has been fairly stable of late.  New endo raised his units of insulin and that has helped.  He still needs the surgery which was postponed after he had pneumonia until after the holidays.

We are in our new home and I am loving it.  I have my own bathroom!!!! There is plenty of room for me to get away from his "sickroom".  

the rages are fewer and less intense.  i think that is related to better control of his blood glucose levels.  However, his general health declines slowly.  He is tired and acts old. 

I am back to work full time and glad to be so.  I feel like i have rejoined the living. 

to my sisters, keep up the good fight and spare yourselves from the abyss that disease can cause us to fall in.