Way above 210

H's blood sugar was way above 210.  I should be boiling.  He doesn't get why it is high.  He hasn't a clue.  He is beyond denial.  He asked me why it is so high and I pointed out what he ate including caramel corn, ice cream, baked potato, dinner rolls, string cheese, cottage cheese, orange juice and he said that was impossible. 

Needless to say, he felt like crap and took his heavy duty stomach meds and has been out cold and snoring since before 7 pm.  I am embarrassed  to say that I am enjoying some peace and quiet.  I miss the old him, but this sure beats the rage.

Dog Days of Spring

I sometimes think he cares more and worries more about our dog than his own health.  He can obsess over the dog's food, bed, trips to the vet and whether his shots are up to date.  Yet, he does not follow his diet, test often enough and take all his meds?  do you think I should get the vet involved in H's care.  He seems to listen to the vet more than his endocrinologist.

ESCAPE

We had a holiday escape.  I have managed to hang on to a vacation home, clinging to it for dear life and an old boat as well.  I will not let go.  I invited family for the weekend including an infant.  H had no choice but to go with us and he wanted to and actually enjoyed it.  House is huge with no condo association or landlord telling me how to live my life.  The house had been closed for many months and it took a lot of cleaning but it was well worth it.  I had a great time, went out to eat, shopped, went out on the boat and played with the baby.  H and his gastric problems were to  his own bathroom..  I am already planning the next 2 weekends. 

ECONOMIC RAGE

He walked out this morning.  Said he was going to the office.  He has no work, does no work and has refused to work for 10 years.  He walked out because I told him off while he was raging.

He has been on a tirade since he broke his glasses and decided he could not afford new ones. Crazy.  He demanded that I go out to breakfast with him this morning but he kept yelling about the cost.  Crazy.  We turned around and picked up a pastry because it was cheaper. Next he insists I immediately pay for our boat's dockage, Crazy.

I am about to receive a large check for my work and he has decided that I must not take credit alone.  It should be a we earn it scenario instead of it is my money because I earned it and he did not.  I told him it is mine and mine alone.  He flew into a rage.  He tried to dictate how it was being spent and I told him no it is mine and I will decide.

I told him off about what he has cost us including my home and the one from my parents.  I am just so hurt and angry at the losses.  He keeps pushing me to make more money.  Yet he has contributed nothing but problems for so long.  He started screaming that he would be better off without me since I have ruined everything from tenants who will not pay the rent on time to checks that have not come in the mail.

He came home within an hour and demanded a home cooked dinner.  He has been sleeping ever since then.  Over an hour. 

His Depression is Making me depressed

H is clinically depressed. Yet, he will not take his prescribed meds.  I am so sick of living with a sick man who will do nothing to help himself.  He just keeps stuffing himself with everything he should not eat.  I hate the feeling of living with a nasty invalid.

He blames me for every woe in our lives. Yet he has refused to work for more than 10 years.  But he blames me for that.  He says that it is all my fault that he just gave up.  He has made such bad choices and has cost us so dearly.  He says his life is a living hell, but he insists on dragging me into it.  I can not win.  Everything I say or do is wrong.  He is mister gloom and doom.  Nothing is good and nothing makes him happy.

There is only so much that I can stand.  If I get upset, he gets furious at me.  I am not supposed to have any feelings.  I want my old life back.  I want a normal life, my home, my work.  I hate this existence  and everything it stands for.   I am so trapped by his craziness and his needle phobia.  I have tried and tried to get him to address this to no avail.  I now feel he is using it to manipulate me by being passively agressive and saying that he simply will not take his insulin if he has to do it himself.

If there is anyone young, just starting out on this road, run do not walk from this existence. Save your own life and sanity, especially if he is hell bent on his own destruction.

He Doesn't Have a Clue

H today drank Coke, not diet but sugar laden despite the fact he had me go out and buy him diet.  I caught him in the act and he had no response other then, yeah I drank it. He also ate a number of Mounds bars loaded with chocolate, coconut and sugar.  Lunch was tons of pasta and he wanted the same for supper.  he was none to pleased with the turkey I served him.

He continues to gorge himself and eats huge amounts of food.  he goes through pounds of tomatoes, drowns everything in ketchup and eats tons of cheese.  He just doesn't get it.  It is almost like an addiction. 

It has been a fairly quiet weekend, one rage today about a tenant who I am evicting.  I think by not fighting him on the diet front, I have removed some fuel from the fire.

I left over $200 at the pharmacy for his medications yesterday.  He was terribly depressed by that and kept saying he would skip medications.  I kept telling him that was not appropriate and that 6 months from now he would get medicare and we would survive.  Cash flow has been terrible but we still have assets to liquidate if need be.

Food stops the Rage?

This seems strange but I have seen a connection between rage and food.  If he is eating whatever he wants when ever he wants he seems to have less rage.  He has no control over his food intake.  Today it was Coke with sugar.  He asked that I buy one for him this morning while I was out doing errands.  I didn't say a word but deliberately  forgot.  He went out and got one and thought nothing of drinking it.



Today he was upset that there was no clean place setting knike for his lunch.  I forgot to tern on the dishwasher.  yet he refused to use a steak knife and got very anxious when I offered one to him. 

He had a fit over a dental bill and despite being in pain wanted to skip the dentist. I sent him off despite his anger. Let him work it out with the dentist.  I can do nothing about it and told him so.  

Fighting back, credit

The whole credit thing is crazy and I got furious and as a result we now have a new car lease.  We leased an American car for the first time after decades of imports.  The dealer we went to was in an affluent area and understood our situation instead of putting us down. This was after calling the import dealer and explaining our situation and being told that there was  no way.  He actually told us not to even try!!!

One call to this new dealer and we got the lease.  This was a dealer that had  lost its prior luxury American franchise during the economic crisis.  They were lucky to land the franchise for American muscle cars and the 4 wheel drive that I loved in my teens 20s and 30s.  I am back behind the wheel of what I now know was the best brand of car that I ever drove. 

Interesting that the dealership employs boomer misfits (like us) who lost their jobs when prior dealerships folded.  Our salesman was unemployed for 2 years before landing this job.  The sales manager came from another closed dealer as did the business manager. It felt great to be treated like a human being again.

There are so many of us who are being croaked credit wise by medical bills, the lousy economy and corporate arrogance.  It is time to fight back and not give up.

Domperidone

Janssen Pharmaceutical has brought domperidone before the FDA several times in the last two decades, with the most recent effort in the 1990s. Numerous U.S. clinical drug trials have demonstrated its safety and efficacy in dealing with gastroparesis symptoms, but the FDA turned down Janssen's application for domperidone, even though the FDA's division of gastrointestinal drugs had approved domperidone

Feeling and Looking Like Something the Cat Dragged In

Hubby looks like hell today.  Pasty, hair long and everywhere, unshaven and a distinct odor from his breathe even after brushing and mouthwash that tells me he feels like hell.  No wonder after what he has been eating.  Yet, he managed to go out to do several errands and I have a rare precious moment of peace.

I have been up since three when he woke me using the bathroom.  I got up and got him something to drink.  Severe thirst is a way of life for him.  No rage last night.  I think he was so sick that he couldn't if he tried.  he has to go to the bank and is going to one much farther away to use the drive thru rather than have to walk from the parking lot and stand in  line for a teller.  he avoids walking as much as possible now.  he will rage if there is no parking space close to the door of wherever he is going.  he will circle multiple times rather than simply park at any available space and walk to the door.  I am expected to do his walking for him.  i am supposed to get whatever he wants, glass of water, shoes, keys or jacket.  his wish is supposed to be my command.

I am supposed to do it all.

Something new and very strange: He is obsessing that he may have lost some weight.  I do not see it.  He is terrified that losing weight could be a sign of cancer and imminent death.  he seems not to get the fact that he SHOULD lose weight to improve his health and survive.

Pig Out

Made him a healthy supper and what did he do?  He turned it into a base for a pig out adding blue cheese dressing, tons of ketchup, cheese and crackers,several tomatoes, string cheese and 4 pieces of bread and butter.  He rages on so I will no longer try to stop him.  He has now taken more cheese and crackers to bed with him and cans of soda.  He had been in bed from 4pm, got up to stuff himself and promptly back to bed.


He is in pain and the odor from the bathroom came all the way downstairs to the dining room and  kitchen as he was using it and after.  When I pointed out that he needed to leave the fan on he got angrier.  All I can think is that the pig pigged out and the whole place smells like a sty.

The Return of Kahn

I had trouble with 2 tenants yesterday and H did not like the way I handled it.  No rent and trouble evicting them equals one raging diabetic H.  The rage started about 8 am and continued until I colapsed in bed with my clothes on last night.  I just let him rage. 

H seems to get what has happened to our finances and is raging about about that.  What he will not acknowledge is that his diabetes and lack of working for years has brought us to this point. Our adult children are used to having wealthy parents and grandparents.  That no longer exists.  Our quality of life is diminishing rapidly.  Far more money is still going out than coming in and is not purchasing our old standard of life.

I slept until 5 am, woke, showered and he is still in bed. 

Diabetes Now Affects Credit

H's car lease expires in 4 months.  It is time to start thinking about trading.  Went to a dealer and cut a deal for a new car at a much lower payment, or so we thought,  They pulled his credit and now the medical bills are causing it to fall by over a hundred points.  No lease, higher interest payments or pay cash that I do not want to part with. 

We are falling into a hole with no way out.

Poverty here we come.

Everything But the Kitchen Sink

This has been a calm and peaceful weekend.  I even had some fun.  I invited a diabetic friend of over 30 years and her husband over for supper.  She is non compliant too.  We ate dinner and then watch a very old very bad movie which totally cracked everyone up.  It was from the early 40s and so bad that it was good

I tried an experiment this weekend.  I let H eat what ever he wants without out saying a word and without trying to stop him.  He ate and ate all weekend.  Would you believe he ate the following: butter crunch ice cream with sprinkles, Dots, potato chips and dip, string cheese, swiss cheese, .american cheese, cottage cheese, a whole package worth of rice pilaf, half a roast beef, regular soda, orange juice by the 8 oz cup, apple juice, bread, apple pie, chocolate chip cookies, hot dogs and fries, three huge tomatoes and all of  the meals that I served him.

I will fight him no more over food.  If he wants to eat himself to death, I can not stop him.  This is how he eats even if I try to stop him, the only difference is that if I try to stop him, he becomes nasty, rages and still eats what he wants.

I surrender.  I can no longer fight the food battle of the diabetic wars.