It Sucks To be Me

He is getting sicker and sicker and with that comes no empathy from him for me.  I lost a big contract that I was hoping for today and you know what his reaction was?  It sucked.  It was "don't be upset, you will make me upset.  I can not deal with your depression.  You are killing me.  You will land me in the hospital.  Husband killer."

I lost my last parent in the fall, my husband is a mess and my life is in upheaval because I do not know if I can support us without this contract.  The economy and  healthcare costs have destroyed our security.  But I am not allowed to feel anything about it.   His lack of earning ability and his neediness have harmed us too.

He refuses to give himself insulin still and is basically more and more disabled.  He is in constant pain and refuses medication.  Yet he tells me that I am the cause of his problems.

All I can do is shoulder on.  It is all up to me. My profession is overcrowded and ageism does not help.

Being married to him now is so very different and so hard to cope with.  It is like being married to a 80 year old invalid.   I want my old life and husband back.  My life I am fighting for.  my husband will never be the same.

Sick, Sick, Sick

His A1C is better but his general health is so much worse.  he is in constant pain and distress from his stomach.  Thank goodness we now have a house and I have a bathroom to myself.  His is disgusting no matter how often I clean it when he finnishes using it.  More doctors' visits and more tests coming up for the new year.  new GI put him on a strict diet which he refuses to follow.  Such denial and if I say something, he gets angry or blames me for his food choices.  I refuse to be the food police.

I keep working and working.  I have applied for a huge contract in my profession and if I get it, hopefully  my income will return to something more like it was before his health and my wealth  plummeted.  

No longer will I be the target of his rage.  i drew a line in the sand and if he wants me to continue to take care of him and support him, he must have some respect.  I will walk and he knows it if he abuses me. 

Update

H has been fairly stable of late.  New endo raised his units of insulin and that has helped.  He still needs the surgery which was postponed after he had pneumonia until after the holidays.

We are in our new home and I am loving it.  I have my own bathroom!!!! There is plenty of room for me to get away from his "sickroom".  

the rages are fewer and less intense.  i think that is related to better control of his blood glucose levels.  However, his general health declines slowly.  He is tired and acts old. 

I am back to work full time and glad to be so.  I feel like i have rejoined the living. 

to my sisters, keep up the good fight and spare yourselves from the abyss that disease can cause us to fall in.

Fantasy Land

I am really stressed today.  We are about to move out of this damn place and into a house!  H has decreed that he is too "ill" to help.  I am doing it all with the help of the contractors who are finishing some work to our new home.  I had a painful dental proceedure yesterday and am on strong antibiotics.  I work all day after the dental visit, worked all day today (someone has to support me)  and am packing.

He took to the bed in the only bedroom and you know how bad the only bathroom is.  Yuck.

As of the weekend, three bedrooms and two baths. Yeah. 

Meanwhile, I am beat and to tell the truth, I wish I had a "normal" husband.  He is criticising me and telling me what to do while he does nothing.  I told him so.  Do you ever dream of what it would be like to have a healthy husband.  Mine has been sick for so long, I forget what it is like. 

I lost the last of my parents 2 months ago and now I am moving.  I have very little left thanks to h and the parent's health care costs depleting so much and costing me so much in lack of income and payment for care.  No pension, no disablity insurance, no life insurance, just bills and more bills but I am clawing back.  I need something for me.  It is about time.

More Medical Issues

A doctor this morning though h had a "slight case of congestive heart failure"!!!! I was in another state on business.  Needless to say H panicked and wanted me to call multiple doctors including his cardiologist who saw him earlier this week and  found no such thing.  I refused.  Do it yourself I said.  The blood work was coming back this pm and H decided to wait for it. (Because I refused to be his errand girl?)  The results came back fine.  The questioning doctor called him just after noon and told him so. H was still off the wall. 

He wanted me to call his cardiologist and his pcp  to ask again.  I refused telling him he not to look for trouble since the scare was over.  H was furious and called himself.

A lot of stress today, but I stood firm and will not allow myself to get pushed around.

Calm Waters

After multiple tests, pneumonia, a hospital stay and 3 specialist appointments after the hospitalization, two more specialists' appointments are coming up this week.  H feels better and actually slept through the night last night for the first time for many, many months.  A benign tumor was located on his parathyroid and a decision about surgery will be made soon. 

Several months ago, one of the doctors referred to H as being a very sick man.  I had not even thought of that until she said it.  I think I was in denial which continued for a while after her description of H.  Now I have accepted it. I am now in the position of being married to a man who is chronically ill.  

Back Home

H is finally back home.  He looks and feels a lot better but is still quite weak.  Tomorrow he has  a specialist's appointment and another on Friday.  I can not go tomorrow since I have to be at work.  Friday's I may be able to make.  I like the idea that I am not chained to him every time he has a medical appointment.  Work for me is the great liberator.  We need income, I have to work, and therefore I can not be at every last appointment.  That sure works for me.