A Little Bit of Hope

He has been calmer, happier and in less pain.  He still is sleeping a lot.  He goes back to the endo on  Wed.  I see an improvement.  Things are not as bad as they were, but he is still far from "normal" whatever "normal" is.  I seem to forget since that was so long ago.  Or, is this the new "normal"?

I Think I am on to Something

I had been noticing that H behavior fluctuated with the meds he is taking as they were being changed.  I am friendly with our druggist and asked him to review H's meds and told him what was going on.  He spotted that one med was a huge dose and suggested halving it.  Another was being taken at the wrong time of day.  We called H's doctor who happened to be on call today and got the ok.  H is less zonked, says he feels better stomach wise, seems calmer and was actually friendly today.  I am waiting with bated breath to see if this continues.  Maybe it is worth a trip to the local pharmacy to check this sort of thing out.

Nothing Makes Him Happy, Anything Can Set Him Off

I can not remember an entire day that he has been happy, not one.  He is upset, angry or worse still raging about something every day.  What a miserable way to live.  If I break down and cry, he does not comfort me, he rages at me to stop crying.  My situation just get more unhappy.

Today saw some financial set backs.  What else is new?  It is almost a  daily occurrence around here.  He had the nerve to call me a loser.  I simply agreed and said that since I am such a loser, he must be a worst one since he has cost us so much and when  was the last time he earned a cent.  He has been nagging me and pushing me to earn more.  He earns nothing.  He is doing somewhat better with his stomach problems but he still lies in bed for hours.  He is there now.

I would advise younger wives to get out asap if they see what my life has become.  Some days I day dream about what it would be like on my own.  Would it be better or worse?  Would I lose more by having to maintain him and me separately.  Can i earn enough to pull it off while I am still losing so much money each month?

Negativity

I am finding H more and more negative and panicky.  For example, I am trying to rent one of our apartments.  It has been listed 2 days and I have gotten a number of responses.  he believes we will never rent it.  H fears everything, highways, bridges, staying at our vacation home alone without other family members, going broke (despite the fact he does not work and will not try).  Everything is an immediate crisis and I must drop everything to do what he wants instantly. 

He constantly demands control of the tv in the living room.  He storms off to the bedroom if he does not approve what I am watching.  Being with him 24/7 now is torture.  His moods and rages set the pace.  I am self employed and have recently had to give up my office due to the economy and hate being home.  If I go somewhere H demands to go too.   I am looking for work in my field, any field with not much luck given the economy and our location.

His obsession with the dog continues.  The dog is allowed to do what he wants.  If I attempt to manage the dog such as getting him off of the sofa, H has a fit.  He is kinder to the dog than to me.  I am left to clean up after the dog who he will not allow me to crate train.

H has constant demands and gives many orders, yet he does nothing to contribute.  Insulin and medication last week cost over $500  from my earnings, yet his only response was he could do without them. 

Caught in the Middle

I got a call yesterday from my Mom's assisted living that they were shipping her to the hospital with several problems and that she had gone down hill fast the last couple of days.  H went bonkers that I might leave for the hospital prior to giving him his dinner and shot.  I gave them to him and he went to bed at about 6:30.  He went crazy that I was going to the hospital.  I went despite him.  I tipped of the staff about what I had going on at home and left the hospital  in time for his "bedtime" shot or should I say later night shot.  What a way to live caught in the middle,  Not only do I get no support or comfort from him, his behavior just makes things more stressful and harder for me.