Ruin

I am so ruined financially by his lack of earning capacity and his cognitive defects.  he just doesn't get it and refuses to talk about anything that he doesn't want to hear.  his stomach problems have improved significantly since he started taking the new medication but other problems persist.

He has no earning capacity and I find I have less and less doue to overcrowding in my field and age discrimination.

He thinks he can give anything he wants to our two adult children and doesn't get that we can no longer afford to do that.  he refuses to live in our home and insists on staying with one of our kids who uses it to gee textra income.  i am trapped since he still refuses to give himself his shots and no one else will.  I would leave, but I do not have enough income and our major financial woes leave us on the verge of filing bankruptcy.  Our attorney tells us to wait for the next major financial hit and then do it.  I go from being wealthy and secure to being on the verge of bankruptcy with no hope of getting even a quarter of what we had back.

He still has the rages but not as often.  he has become more passive aggresive with no compassion or empathy.  Me, I am just hanging in there waiting to file for bankruptcy and hoping to save the house

Miracle Drug

H has terrible gastroparesis.  He has transferred from one teaching hospital to another and switched gi .  He was prescribed a new medication carafate in a liquid form and it seems to be doing the trick.  Very expensive drug, over 100 after insurance payment due to its tier but it seems to be worth its weight in gold.  The doctor who suggested it is a post doctoral fellow under the supervision of h's new gi who is a professor at an Ivy League Medical School.  The pill form is not as good.  This liquid coats the esophagus.  His medications were also changed and a number eliminated.  He seems to be doing better.  A1C have been in the very low 7s.

I am hoping against hope that this will help with his other issues.  I clearly see a decline in his metal ability.  and of course he still can not work and has no earning capacit.

The Numbers game

His A1C was 7.4 despite a 320 at the doctor's office after a glutton's mega carb breakfast.  I refuse to be the food police despite huge lectures by his gastro and a demand by her for a food log whicch her refuses to keep and I refuse to do for him.

He is in constant pain and I truly feel bad about it.  yet, he will not help himself through diet and exercise.  I doo all the driving.  he is too sick.  He gets furious if I park too far away from somewhere.

He has spent the entire weekend lying down.  It is now like being married to a 90 year old rather than an 80 year old.

Diabetic Madness

I feel like he is losing his mind.  He seems to have some cognitive defects now that are becoming more evident.  He has a doctorate but can not work or function normally.  He refuses or is unable to do simple tasks like some simple book keeping.  He is nasty and his anger is directed at me.  He blames me for everything.
Anything that goes wrong he says is my fault.  he demands that I listen to him endlessly when all he does is repeat and repeat himself.  I on the other hand am supposed to say nothing about how unhappy this situation has made me.  I can not mourn the loss of so much.  If I say anything he complains that i am depressed and tries to silence me by raging.  I will not longer put up with this and have told him so. and the life of living with an invalid who is old before his time.

He does not work, has earned nothing in years and has cost us so much.  To be honest, I regret being stuck where I am now with no  hope in sight of financial recovery.  On top of that, there is the day to day of dealing with his nasty self,  living with a invalid who is so dependent and takes the joy out of life.  he is like someone in their 80s frail and getting sicker.  Multiple doctors' visits with no good outcome.  He is in pain yet refuses the medication.  He will not follow his diet or lose weight yet insists he does and has.  What denial.  I feel badly that he is suffering.  he needs relief.  So do I, I need peace and something back from this relationship other than criticism.  I give - he still refuses to inject himself- he takes and then tells me that I am the cause of all his problems.  That is so sick.




He is frightening to drive with.  I drive.  he now wants me to drive always.  he is is more and more dependent yet tries to control at the same time.

It Sucks To be Me

He is getting sicker and sicker and with that comes no empathy from him for me.  I lost a big contract that I was hoping for today and you know what his reaction was?  It sucked.  It was "don't be upset, you will make me upset.  I can not deal with your depression.  You are killing me.  You will land me in the hospital.  Husband killer."

I lost my last parent in the fall, my husband is a mess and my life is in upheaval because I do not know if I can support us without this contract.  The economy and  healthcare costs have destroyed our security.  But I am not allowed to feel anything about it.   His lack of earning ability and his neediness have harmed us too.

He refuses to give himself insulin still and is basically more and more disabled.  He is in constant pain and refuses medication.  Yet he tells me that I am the cause of his problems.

All I can do is shoulder on.  It is all up to me. My profession is overcrowded and ageism does not help.

Being married to him now is so very different and so hard to cope with.  It is like being married to a 80 year old invalid.   I want my old life and husband back.  My life I am fighting for.  my husband will never be the same.

Sick, Sick, Sick

His A1C is better but his general health is so much worse.  he is in constant pain and distress from his stomach.  Thank goodness we now have a house and I have a bathroom to myself.  His is disgusting no matter how often I clean it when he finnishes using it.  More doctors' visits and more tests coming up for the new year.  new GI put him on a strict diet which he refuses to follow.  Such denial and if I say something, he gets angry or blames me for his food choices.  I refuse to be the food police.

I keep working and working.  I have applied for a huge contract in my profession and if I get it, hopefully  my income will return to something more like it was before his health and my wealth  plummeted.  

No longer will I be the target of his rage.  i drew a line in the sand and if he wants me to continue to take care of him and support him, he must have some respect.  I will walk and he knows it if he abuses me. 

Update

H has been fairly stable of late.  New endo raised his units of insulin and that has helped.  He still needs the surgery which was postponed after he had pneumonia until after the holidays.

We are in our new home and I am loving it.  I have my own bathroom!!!! There is plenty of room for me to get away from his "sickroom".  

the rages are fewer and less intense.  i think that is related to better control of his blood glucose levels.  However, his general health declines slowly.  He is tired and acts old. 

I am back to work full time and glad to be so.  I feel like i have rejoined the living. 

to my sisters, keep up the good fight and spare yourselves from the abyss that disease can cause us to fall in.

Fantasy Land

I am really stressed today.  We are about to move out of this damn place and into a house!  H has decreed that he is too "ill" to help.  I am doing it all with the help of the contractors who are finishing some work to our new home.  I had a painful dental proceedure yesterday and am on strong antibiotics.  I work all day after the dental visit, worked all day today (someone has to support me)  and am packing.

He took to the bed in the only bedroom and you know how bad the only bathroom is.  Yuck.

As of the weekend, three bedrooms and two baths. Yeah. 

Meanwhile, I am beat and to tell the truth, I wish I had a "normal" husband.  He is criticising me and telling me what to do while he does nothing.  I told him so.  Do you ever dream of what it would be like to have a healthy husband.  Mine has been sick for so long, I forget what it is like. 

I lost the last of my parents 2 months ago and now I am moving.  I have very little left thanks to h and the parent's health care costs depleting so much and costing me so much in lack of income and payment for care.  No pension, no disablity insurance, no life insurance, just bills and more bills but I am clawing back.  I need something for me.  It is about time.

More Medical Issues

A doctor this morning though h had a "slight case of congestive heart failure"!!!! I was in another state on business.  Needless to say H panicked and wanted me to call multiple doctors including his cardiologist who saw him earlier this week and  found no such thing.  I refused.  Do it yourself I said.  The blood work was coming back this pm and H decided to wait for it. (Because I refused to be his errand girl?)  The results came back fine.  The questioning doctor called him just after noon and told him so. H was still off the wall. 

He wanted me to call his cardiologist and his pcp  to ask again.  I refused telling him he not to look for trouble since the scare was over.  H was furious and called himself.

A lot of stress today, but I stood firm and will not allow myself to get pushed around.

Calm Waters

After multiple tests, pneumonia, a hospital stay and 3 specialist appointments after the hospitalization, two more specialists' appointments are coming up this week.  H feels better and actually slept through the night last night for the first time for many, many months.  A benign tumor was located on his parathyroid and a decision about surgery will be made soon. 

Several months ago, one of the doctors referred to H as being a very sick man.  I had not even thought of that until she said it.  I think I was in denial which continued for a while after her description of H.  Now I have accepted it. I am now in the position of being married to a man who is chronically ill.  

Back Home

H is finally back home.  He looks and feels a lot better but is still quite weak.  Tomorrow he has  a specialist's appointment and another on Friday.  I can not go tomorrow since I have to be at work.  Friday's I may be able to make.  I like the idea that I am not chained to him every time he has a medical appointment.  Work for me is the great liberator.  We need income, I have to work, and therefore I can not be at every last appointment.  That sure works for me. 

Pneumonia

H is now hospitalized with pneumonia.  He developed violent chills last night after spending hours yesterday having a cat scan.  He was admitted in the early morning hours after I drove him back to the hospital.  He is on iv antibiotics.  I got back home at 2 am.   Did you know that people with diabetes get  pneumonia more often than the general population?  Poor glucose control increases the risk as does longer duration of diabetes?  Just another complication of this disease.

Windowless Waiting Rooms

I went with H yesterday and spent 4 hours sitting in a windowless waiting room with no phone and no wifi connections.  I hate those windowless waiting rooms.  They can be suffocating.  Add to  it the lack of connections to able to get work done and it becomes even more wasted time.  I could have spent the morning at the Louvre and seen as much of him as I did sitting in that room.  I did go outside and sat on a wall and did my work.  This particular hospital, while part of a major medical school complex. has no concern for waiting families.  Another one, around the corner, is far more caring for families.  He goes there too so I know.  I could write the Michelin guide for hospitals in my city. 

Next week, he has a cat scan scheduled and I am trying to opt out from going to that one and sitting around for hours in another windowless room. 

H meanwhile is sluggish and lethargic but not raging.  The med change has helped.  I find that if I am not dealing with him and his problems constantly as in all day every day, it affords me the time to rebuild my life.  Notice I said my life, not his.  He is unfortunately consigned to the old before their time, sick or as his doctor said "your husband is a very sick man" category.  I will take care of him and he can come along for the rebuilding ride, but ultimately it is all up to me to reclaim my life.  I will not, however, sacrifice my being to his illness.  simple as that

Going Nuclear

Tomorrow is the day hubby goes nuclear.  That is, he is about to be tested by nuclear medicine.  Needless to say he is nervous. Can not say that I blame him.  We are  told that he will be glowing in the dark for four hours.

I will bring a lot of work with me so that, at least, I can put the time to productive use.  I am back to work full time and loving it.  I went to the next state  to the south where we have income property today in order to get it back in shape, hopefully rented and hopefully giving us some income.  I have 3 vacant apartments which can if and when rented mean a lot better balance sheet.

The home we are moving to is ours and a contractor is preparing it for our Nov.. 1 move in date.  I can hardly wait.   Just need to get thru tomorrow and then back to getting out of this abyss.

Still More Tests

The ultra sound found an abnormality in his parathyroid.  He freaked.  I was at a seminar when he had the ultrasound.  He was not pleased that I was not there.  Too bad.  Scan scheduled for next week.  Four hours long.  I would love to dodge it, but no such luck it seems.  He is terrified.  I just want to get this over and the sooner the better.  I need to work and move.  He is sick, has been sick for years and unfortunately will never be young and well again.  The surgery may help some, but will never be the complete fix for all that ails him.

Sad as it is to say, after all these years, my feelings have changed and I am determined not to be sucked into his world.  I have planned my escape and it is working.  Keep your fingers crossed for me, please.

More Tests

H is scheduled for more tests Thursday and friday this week before seeing the surgeon.  I have a mandatory seminar for my professional license renewal those days so he will be going by himself.  I am looking forward to going to the seminar and having some me time away from his constant health care problems.  I have rejoined the working world and we a moving in 6 weeks away from this elderly housing.  I have rejoined the working adult world and left the elderly invalid world of hubby to him.

Surgery in the Future

The 2nd endo called today to have H schedule yet more tests before probable  surgery in the next month or two.  H needs scan and ultrasound on parathyroid.  The adjustment of meds has helped and we are told this parathyroid can affect adversely every system in a diabetic,s body.  Here is hoping that if he does need the surgery it will help H a lot.

Hope Shines Eternal

I have found that H medical situation is being dealt with by 2 great endos who seem to have pinpointed the problems and responded.  H is calmer with the change in medication but his stomach remains a major issue.  Parathyroid slows the progression of food thru the body and interferes with it moving downward.  We are awaiting today's results and will know better what will happen next and when once we get them.  Meanwhile, the doctors are on top of his situation calling daily or even more often and ordering more testing based on results

Meanwhile, I am back to work  in my own office full time and self employed .  I am generating income and looking to the future.  The plan is to buy a house, any house, once this lease expires.  I want out of this elderly housing.  It was his idea to sell our home , not mine.  He was one month old enough to qualify when we moved in.  I am too young by several years.  Not only do I hate it, but we pay market rates for the privilege of living here. I have taken my life back and intend to return to a normal life.  He can be old before his time.  I am not.

I Spoke too Soon

H is getting sicker again.  His endo called today telling him his parathyroid is out of kilter and he will need surgery.  H freaked.  Rage  returned and now the peace is broken.  H bowel issues are starting again yuck.

Update

H continues to do better but had a set back today.  His hiatal hernia is causing him distress and the gastroparesis has also kicked up a bit.  Yet all in all, he seems to be doing better.  I am keeping my fingers crossed.

Our living situation still rots and is getting worse.  I am looking for a job but do not get reponses.  I think I will omit my degrees from the next application I fill out.